His Gift
by D. Destiny
Summary: Another moment in time inside Deanna's thoughts. Might be a little unconventional, but it was a feeling I wanted to explore :) Written while I should be studying Biology, so wish me luck with my exam ;) R&R always forever cherished, thus please! :-D


So, I got some sad new...my laptop had to be taken to the service   
center for repairs so I can't write nearly as much as I like to, so   
it may be that Xiara 35 will take a bit longer :-(  
Meanwhile, here's a little shorty I wrote a while ago, it may seem a   
little unconventional, but that's all I'm going to say about it ;)  
  
Rating: PG  
Setting: pre-Insurrection  
Pairing: T  
Reviews: Always??? Pretty, pretty please :)  
  
~His Gift~  
  
  
Some times I wish I could be more like him. Oh hell, a lot of the   
time I wish I could be like him. He doesn't realize how lucky he is,   
he doesn't realize how tough it is to be me. It's not that I'm   
unhappy or want to whine; it is the way I see it. William Riker is a   
wonderful man and god I wish I could be like him.  
  
I've watched him, perhaps `observed' is a better word, in just about   
every situation imaginable and I've tried to be more like him, but it   
is impossible.  
  
He can walk into a lounge full of people without flinching and he   
turns heads wherever he goes; men, women, aliens, they all watched   
him. Some watch because he looks alien to them, some because of his   
attractive looks and others because of his command-presence. I have,   
over time, belonged to all three categories and now I find myself   
moving into another.  
  
I'm jealous, plain and simple; jealous of how he can befriend just   
about anyone with a broad grin and a joke. Jealous of how he can so   
easily enjoy himself in large crowds and of how people look up to   
him. I have yet to meet a single person who doesn't admire him for   
one thing or the other, whether they hate him or not.  
  
But that's not the gift I want to have. No, the gift that I want to   
have is the one he enjoys as often as he can. Will Riker can do   
something that I never succeeded in. He can give himself to passion   
for just a night and he does it without regrets. There is no love   
involved when he takes a woman to his bed purely for the physicality   
of it and I hate him for it. Not because it hurts me, but because I   
tried it too, only I failed. Big time.  
  
I am used to live with a thousand other minds within my own; I sense   
their emotions minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day   
and that's okay, I'm used to it, I can handle it. But for once I'd   
like to go to a party without feeling overwhelmed; I'd like to just   
make fun, without having to keep my empathic shields erected.  
  
But more than that, I want to be able to enjoy someone's company for   
just a few nights; to only feel passion. Because for me, passion is   
irrevocable tied with love of some kind. I cannot end a short affair,   
or even a one-night stand, without feeling some hurt, regret and   
sadness and God I tried. Each time I tried however, my heart was   
broken just a little.   
  
Eventually I gave up and turned my attention to Will and time after   
time I watched him as he seduced a woman, and time after time I felt   
their shared passion and each morning when I would greet him, he   
would be relaxed and happy and I hated him for it.   
  
The hate is gone now, but the envy remains. I'm tired of facing the   
emptiness of my quarters and I would like nothing more than to loose   
myself in nights of mindless passion, without any other emotions   
involved. But alas, that is not meant to be. The curse of an empath;   
one emotion cannot exist without the other. Passion, desire, love and   
hurt and regret will always be intertwined for me. It's always been   
that way and it always will be. So I have no option but hoping that   
one day someone will make his way into my life and I hope that he,   
whoever he is, will not leave, ever again.  
  
Maybe tonight, at the banquet for Regent Cuzar, maybe then that one   
person will be there, maybe then I won't be jealous of Will anymore.  
  
Maybe…but then again, maybe not.


End file.
